Same old situation. I'm bored with work and lacking motivation and once again, I can't decide if I just don't like my chosen profession or simply hate working. It's probably all rooted in my life-long problems adating to change. Lord knows I've had enough of it over the last few years. But, why complain? I've got to find a way to turn this negative into a positive. It probably starts with going bed (as usual). But, damn, I just feel overwhelmed with things. It really starts me wondering what the hell is wrong with me? I can't even feign interest in work anymore. I leave everything to th e last minute, it's almost as if I'm testing to see how far I can push it. Not a good situation. I should probably be proactive about it though. Well, tomorrow is another day. Let's hope I can make it a better one.

Other than that...things are great. Busy, but great.

So I have an attention to detail problem. It’s been something I’ve always battled and I have to wonder whether or not I can do anything about it at this point. Problem is, it’s coming haunting me just a bit at my current job and I’m not sure quite what to do.

I’ve tried all the recommend solutions before; read things a million times, read them out loud, I have even tried reading things backwards. Nothing works. I have a distinct problem that after I’ve written/read through something a few times, I’m too close to it to catch mistakes. It’s why I’ve always relied on people to proofread my work. And I don’t feel this should be a problem amongst co-workers. But I get the sense my current boss thinks differently.

I’ve sent more than few things to her that haven’t been perfect. Then again, I’ve never professed to be perfect. But I thin somewhere in the back of her mind she’s noted my proclivity for mistakes and looks to point them out. And this pissed me off and makes me mad at myself at the same time. Maybe some day I’ll get it and I realize saying I never will is not going to help the problem. I’ll have to make more of an effort.

However, my job moves so fast at times, things tend to fall through the cracks. I’ve never been a guy to sweat the details of things, always figuring that life is too short for that stuff. Maybe it’s going to be the direct reason while I’ll never be amazingly successful. So I guess I should address it.

Life is busy as always. Work continues to kick my ass and we’ve thrown buying a new house into the mix. However, this being a dad still has yet to become a reality. It’s hard to explain how different it is being a parent, especially trying to explain how everything is different, but still the same. It goes beyond surreal. What’s more is I’ve sometimes felt it tough to not only relate to people who don’t have kids, but also to relate to people who are new parents as well. I guess it’s just a case of me taking myself too seriously? Who knows?

I’m certainly not writing at all lately and have had no problem rationalizing why. I could give me usual rah-rah speech to myself, but what’s the point I n saying something for the millionth time that I already know?

I’m punchy without a doubt. Maybe its due to a lack of sleep…or motivation...or just plain continues confusion about life.

I’ve sat in front of this computer for close to two hours now thinking that eventually I would set down and write the epic words that world is just dying to hear. As usual, I’ve just sat around and done nothing. Or starred blankly at a the screen, checked my email 50 times, read ESPN, checked some old obscure links to web sites I haven’t look at in a while and listened to some music, becoming a little bit more convinced that Green Day’s “American Idiot” is a pretty damn good album. I’ve checked my work email as well. Why? Who knows, as it’s been a pretty shit and busy week. I’ve been depressed today…not sure completely why, but am pretty sure it might be e feeling sorry for myself again. It’s also been a battle with my past again…as in, my inability to realize what I have known is great and any time spent thinking about the past is time wasted. But, Things are undoubtedly different now. I need to write about this sometime…still. The fatherhood thing that is, the point now where everything is still the same surrounding-wise but with a completely different set of rules now. You may be happy know that my tip to the Frozen Four resolved itself at the last second to my advantage…and by you I mean Bones, who is probably the only person that reads this. I can’t blame him really. I’ve always been personally amused by the fact that this blog technically exists for anyone to see on this planet, but no one has. Not that I want anyone to…although that must be a lie, b/c I wouldn’t have this here if I didn’t, But I do…and still…no one knows its here. Life is fucking weird, always has been, but know, well, I just don’t know. Part of me wonders if the reality of the last half year is still trying to settle in. I mean, I had kid and the Red Sox won the series...so, pardon me if I’m still shell-shocked. Maybe my life hasn’t really been ground for the last few years and that plays into my uneasiness. I don’t know, maybe I’m looking for answers that don’t exists. Then again, I’m just trying to unload the shit that is in my head. I worry about my health. I’m not young anymore and people are dealing with shit they shouldn’t have. It’s odd that we live in time where I no longer worry about getting cancer, but wondering when I will; figuring that it is a forgone conclusion. Because, life is cruel…beautifully cruel. The pendulum may be the way, but I still say its life’s biggest cruelty is that time is decreasingly fractionally relative.

Had sort of a borderline meltdown today at work, my first one at the new gig and I’m a bit disappointed in myself. It was a byproduct of too many deadlines to meet and some ill-timed email issues. I got through it okay, but I’ve realized I need to chill out a bit more. Interestingly enough, it was a fresh out of college account executive who told me I need to stop taking things so seriously. And, she’s right. I’ve always had a problem with taking things home with me at night, too often thinking about work after I leave for the night. Obviously, I still need to work on it, lest I start to resent my job.

Which bring me to my worry about going to the Frozen Four. Work and family are making the timing of it horrible. Yet, I’m worried if I don’t go, I’ll forever hold it against work. My only hope is to see if I can work from the road. Other than that, things are good, and yes, I still have much to write about this fatherhood business.

As always, life continues to have a way of happening. I’m finishing up my fourth week at my new agency job and things are going well. It’s becoming more apparent to me everyday how valuable my experience in my last two jobs has been despite the fact I couldn’t stand either of them by the time I’ve left.

I think this new job was a good move and one where I should be able to succeed. My biggest challenge is going to be in my attention to detail, which has often lacked in the past. I need to make it a point not o fall into bad habits of wasting time; something I can myself falling into if I’m not careful again.

Life as a parent continues to sink in; which is a far cry from the first couple of months of Nate’s life. I don’t care how much you read prior to the birth of your child, nothing can prepare you for the reality of it. It’s tough, especially when you are dealing with a fussy baby as the constant attention they need without any reciprocal interaction gets extremely frustrating. But as soon as they start to smile and coo, everything change.

Prior to Nate’s birth, I wrote a lot about how I needed this to completely alter my view on life. What I wasn’t prepared for was the fact that this didn’t happen instantly. I had little reaction when he was born aside from relief. I didn’t break-down crying and my heart didn’t burst with love. These things take time and I’m pleased to report have become to happen.

I’m also finally starting to deal with my problems in handling change. I’ve always has a penchant for living in the past and looking back at what I’ve lost instead of seeing the potential and beauty that lies ahead. It has always been a problem for me. It’s selfish is what it is and it is something I can no longer be.

The fact I need to live in the moment can no longer be lost on me. Especially as the relative nature of life makes these moments even more fleeting. I’ll get there; I just need to be cognizant of it.

The "vacation" is over. I'm heading back to work tomorrow, no doubt to the same old, same old, but with a (hopefully) renewed notion that it won't be for long. Lots of decision will need to be made in the coming days, I just hope I have the foresight to make the correct ones. Can't believe the boy is almost a month old.

I still need to make with the resolutions.

There are still more than five hours left in 2004 and I’m already getting a bit misty-eyed about the year gone bye. How can I not be, given everything that has happened in this past year? But, it wasn’t until I finally took the time to reflect just a few minutes ago that I realized just how immense this year was.

It’s probably fitting that I waited until the final hours of the year to truly take stock in the previous 365 days because reflecting is something I did not do nearly enough of this year. One of my biggest beliefs has been to always take the time to stop and press pause to take in all that is happening around you. While I can blame only myself for not adhering to this personal credo, the rational side of me knows it is because of the whirlwind of chaos that was 2004.

There was always something that felt just not quite right about this year, like I was never quite comfortable with things. This translated to all facets of my life. Some of it was about things feeling off but most of it was dealing with the new and unknown. And yet more was coming to grips with familiar things that were going away forever. I dealt with a lot of change this year, more so than any other year in my life…and that includes a year where I bought my first house and got married. Let’s start with a familiar topic; work.

My gig at Northeastern was less than two months old when the 2004 began and I certainly couldn’t have anticipated how much of a drain it would be on me throughout the year. The main reason behind this was the amount of crisis communication I was involved in starting with the riots in the wake of the Super Bowl which touched-off a cascade of events from students deaths, to missing students to community issues and finally culminating in the riots around the Red Sox this post-season (we’ll get to that in a moment). Toss in some instability in my department which led to a horrible new boss coming onboard in September and there is one main reason I’ve been such a mental case this year.

But, I’m moving on. The final straw was my new boss not giving me the respect to consider me for a promotion that should rightfully be mine. Hopefully, the last laugh will be mine as I have received a job offer this afternoon. The prospect of being able to start 2005 with a big middle finger to my current boss is extremely appealing to say the least.

Speaking of appealing, the Boston Red Sox finally snapped an 86-year World Series drought in dramatic fashion this season. It was one of the greatest playoff runs in history and part of me still can’t believe they are the world champs. It was a great capper to a sports year that began with the Patriots wining their second Super Bowl title in three years. The only donwer has been the strike that has crippled the hockey season. But, that is what the rink in my backyard is for…if Mother Nature would ever corporate.

On the music front, I also lost a huge chunk of my past this year when Phish decided to call it quits for good. I can’t say I was surprised by the move nor that I was too broken-up about it, but it was seminal event none-the-less. The break-up was made easier by the fact I succeeded in my effort to move forward with my life during the hiatus that began in 2000. It also helped that music post-hiatus was sub-par at best. What was ironic that the announcement came just after I made my peace with band during the mini Vegas run in April, but the end made sense. Plus, it allowed me to play out the string in a fashion I wanted including a nice trip out to Alpine Valley in Wisconsin and the perfecting ending for me with a two-night Great Woods stand. In the end, I was glad they came back as it allowed me to officially say my farewell.

Of course, the biggest event of this year was the birth of my son, Nathan. Even typing that still seems every weird. My year was dominated by all things baby and this was the single biggest catalyst for why things rushed by this year. He as born three weeks ago and while we are still getting to know each other, the reality that I am father is becoming more and more concrete with each passing second. He truly is a blessing.

So, that’s my year in a not shell. In many ways, I am sure I will look to this year as one of the greatest in my life when I’m able to put some perspective around it and able to forget much of the stress I was under. For now, I am just looking forward to a fresh start in 2005 as we start to truly become a family and I get a fresh start with a new employer. I’ll save my resolution for another time. For now, I’m off to enjoy a very quiet night with my family.