My attempts to unwind this week have been mildly successful, although speaking with a career counselor today didn’t do much in the way of settling myself down. The big conclusion; there is a lot of work to finding a job. I’m not in panic mode…yet.

The ultimate distraction has been my focus ion IT. I haven’t been this excited for a Phish show in a great long while…and it feels great. While I rode the fence for on deciding whether to go, it came down to the fact I had the time and I just have too many fond and memorable memories from my previous to jaunts to Limestone. What’s more, is Bones will be back from the left side and is coming along. We leave a week from tomorrow and I’m in my full-on festival prep mode.

I’m meeting with a recruiter tomorrow, which, at the very least, will force me to focus on the job search ahead.

First Sunday in a long time where I don’t have to worry about working on a non-holiday Monday. It feels good. Cutting the lawn this evening, the anxiety that comes with searching for a job without a current began to creep in and I did my best to keep it at bay. These two weeks without work have me in the bonus category, as my initial termination date was August 1st. While I will be looking for a job during this period, much like I have, I do indeed to relax a bit. And that is why I am up so late.

My parents have agreed to watch Maggie so it looks like IT is on. I haven’t been this excited for a Phish since the hiatus. Sure, I was amped for the New Year’s return, but coming off the hectic nature that was Fall, it was only half-heartedly. Lots of details to pull together though.

Good weekend. Went to ong Island for Tracy’s cousins wedding. Long day with travel and the weekend has flown by being away from home. I’m pushing to stay awake, knowing full-well I should just give in.

My last day at Millennium, a product of the recent “restructuring” trend that has been plaguing this country’s work force for the past couple of years, I’ll be vacating a position I’ve held for the last two and a half years. The end of anything always provides time for reflection and introspection and as I sifted through the piles of files trying to figure out how many trees I was solely responsible for killing, I found myself reliving my tenure. An experience akin to reliving a past relationship with lots of highlights intertwined with the low-lights. But isn’t that always the case with past relationships?

Sure, the normal thoughts and emotions ran through my head, the uncertainty of being jobless, the realization that comes when ending any relationship, be it with colleagues or actual job function. However, what struck me the most was the affinity I had for the seemingly innocuous things you wouldn’t normally think would matter. Simple things like the office bathroom. I know, the bathroom seems like an odd thing to miss, but I’ve always enjoyed the off-kilter humor in this world. And is there anything more intriguing then the office bathroom, specifically, peoples behavior in them?

I’ve always been all business when in comes to the lavatory, preferring to get in and get out without any contact. It’s usually a easily obtainable goal with only one obstacle that can muck it up, the bathroom conversationalist. Now, I can only bring the male perspective on this, but to me, the bathroom just not a place of conversation. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than a fellow co-worker saddling up in the urinal next to me and making small talk. It places you in a very vulnerable position, especially if you happen to be wearing khakis that day.

The splash factor is perhaps the most dreaded obstacle when using the lavatory, as there is nothing worse than losing focus resulting in splash back. Of course this happens when left to your own devices, but at least in that situation you can grab a paper towel and cause enough friction to rapidly erase said wet spot. This solution is simply impossible when it occurs with a co-worker present. In this case, I usually bolt back to my cube as quickly has possible, listen for the co-worker to exit and run straight back in. The opposite to this is the rare stall talker. That situation is almost welcome in that you can complete the drying process without said colleague knowing. While the need to talk in a stall is beyond me, I do find humor in the rare cell-phone stall talker.

Continuing on my bathroom misadventures, I am also going to miss my two-year battle with the air freshener dispenser. I trust you are familiar with said device which sits on the wall high above the trash can, its sole purpose in life to dispense a frequent scent, usually of the flowery or cinnamon variety. It works for a bathroom, but is not suitable cologne. Without fail, this little device would take the liberty of unloading its bouquet the instant I walked by, leaving me smelling oh-so-fresh. As annoying as it was, I’ll miss its sense of humor.

My commute is another aspect I will miss greatly. For two years now I have traveled the luxurious MBTA commuter rail each day. While the merits of public transportation are not lost on me, I won’t specifically miss that aspect of it. What I will miss of my commuter “friends,” the complete strangers I see in certain spots along my journey whom I’ve ever so much as uttered a word to, but have detailed fictitious ideas of what they do for a living. I’ll miss the German couple who arrive at my station each morning separately, but sit together on the train as if they are operating under some covert scheme.. I’ll miss the two bearded, over-weight, polo-shirt wearing gentlemen who must be MIT professors and the 20-something dominatrix clad in the latest business attire on her way to her office job. And I’ll really miss the female professional who always accented her finest suits with a nylon Boston Bruins jacket in the winter months. I can only hope they’ll miss me and whatever life they think I lead.

Yes, the end of any era can be sad, but I take solace in knowing this particular chapter has provided some fine memories. Sometimes life doesn’t leave you alone and getting laid-off isn’t one of its highlights. However, I’m sticking strong to the cliché of one door opening when another closes. And while it might not be autumn these words ring appropriate:

Leaves are falling all around, It's time I was on my way.
Thanks to you, I'm much obliged for such a pleasant stay.
But now it's time for me to go. The autumn moon lights my way.
…but I know I've got one thing I got to do...Ramble on.

Just finished writing the thank you note to Harvard stemming from today’s interview and I find myself more and more excited about the job. The job itself is with the Program for Health Systems Improvement, a department that is taking a revolutionary look at solving current problems within the health care industry; everything from researching the problems of the uninsured to radically changing how patients receive primary care. The biggest attraction the job would provide is the ability to start a communications effort from scratch. And from my initial research and conversations, there are many opportunities that exist. If there is a potential negative to the position, it lies in the fact it is slated to be a part-time position. However, the director mentioned the possibility for a full-time gig exists. And there is certainly enough work to warrant such a move.

Should it be offered as a part-time gig, I would be inclined to take if only for the chance to get my foot in the door at Harvard. What’s more, it could provide the chance I need to have a steady income while allowing me to focus on my writing and creating freelance chances.

Further on the job-front, I have a second interview scheduled with the PR agency I met with last week. Again, it is a positive opportunity, but one that I am hesitant toward as I’m not sure I have the commitment an agency would require in me. It would be a good career move should I remain in PR for some time, but I don’t know if my heart is in it.

Speaking of my heart not being in things, it is my last official week of work inside the confines of Millennium. I’m a bit ambivalent about it. On one hand, I’m relieved I won’t have to head into what had become my own hell, but on the other, I will certainly miss a good number of people there. I think the biggest thing I stand to gain from this is the chance to refocus myself on what lies ahead and what I want out of a career. It is an ambition that has been lacking over the last few weeks.

The Pearl Jam shows I had been looking forward to have come and gone in the incredible manner I had anticipated. I was hit with a good chunk of the sadness I’ve so often experienced in the past at the end of a run of Phish shows and I feel good about it. While I had been feeling like the summer was gone with their conclusion, I’ve since realized that with so much slated for the remainder of the summer it is really just beginning.

It's been about three weeks since I heard about the lay-off and things have been weird. Naturally, I've taken many liberties with my actual time in the office and I found out last week my end date is now July 17. Our department is moving to a new building and rather than having to pack and move for two weeks, I was afforded the opportunity to have my last day be next week while I remain "on-call" until August 1. I'll still get paid up to Aug 1st as well. It's the ideal situation. However, the anxiety is creeping in more and more everyday.

I went through a two-day seminar conducted by the outplacement group the company has to all of us who have been "shaped." It was a good seminar in that it motivated me to rewrite my resume. It also got me a bit anxious with the realization that I need to get my networking network in order. There is a lot to do, and while I am confident I will find a job, I am worried about jumping into another unsatisfying situation simply to have a job. I've had one interview and another lined-up, neither of which are overly exciting. One because it is an agency job, the other, while very interesting, is only part-time. While the part-time gig could provide me the opportunity to rely focus on my writing, I am leery because I haven't exactly been doing any writing of late. I can chalk it up to the time off I've taken around the fourth and realistically, I probably won't begin to focus on things until after I am out of the office for good. I do need to keep in mind that I am afforded some time, but it is not as much as I initially thought. There is a lot of work ahead. But again, I need to give myself some time.

I'm equating the need of this job to the end of my last relationship. That taught me everything I didn't want out of a relationship, this has taught me everything I don't want out of a job. The former situation landed me in a perfect situation. I know this job situation will be no different.

I really thought my getting laid-off would take the confusion and general malaise out of my life. I clearly thought wrong. If anything, the last week and a half have proven to be more confusing than ever. In fact, the only thing that seems to be stable is the fact I will be without a job come August 1st. This scenario that would have been ideal three years prior is now becoming a bit of a thorn in my side not to mention pride.

For months now, I have been dedicating myself to attempting to figure out what I want out of a career. I keep coming back to the same conclusion, I need to find something where I can write and make a healthy wage. I’ve spent most of the year building up a writing cache of columns and blogging away my thoughts on an even more frequent basis. When I was awaiting word on my work situation, I was praying to be laid-off because it would provide not only the boost I needed to make a career change, but give me the time to do the writing I want. But as it does, life seems to be interfering.

With a house and a wife things are different for me today than a few years back and as a result, I have already found myself diligently seeking out positions congruent with my experience and getting my resume out there. The pressure is on to secure work despite a very generous severance package and I’m not even sure where it stems from. One would argue only I can truly exert the drive on myself to find a job, but there are extraneous factors, the biggest of these being Tracy. Any suggestion I have made (and there have been many) that I would like to take at least the month of August off is being met with opposite discourse. While I understand her hesitation and worry about making ends meet, I know we will be fine from a financial standpoint for the near distant future. But to me, the seeds of guilt may already be planted. And the question is; am I obligated to not take the time I know I need?

I have an interview scheduled for Wednesday, an event that will serve as a vote of confidence at the very least. The position is with a PR agency, a biotech position at that. This job probably couldn’t be further from what I want to do. However, agency experience would be perfect at this stage of my career, if I want to continue along the same career path. I don’t mean to put the proverbial horse before the cart in assuming the position is mine to be had, but I’m really not sure how I’ll react if offered the position. It could be the right fit, but again, it will be forgoing my writing, an exercise that has taken a back seat which the lay-off.

Tom had a chance to read though the couple of pieces I sent to him and I am eagerly awaiting his feedback. For some odd reason, I have built it up in my head that his criticism will mean more to me than simple typos. It is as if anything too negative will send me back into my shell of non-confidence, a case that would be to reminiscent of the night I realized the becoming a sportscaster was not going to happen for me. Although that was a case of giving-up and the job market calling me, the fear remains. The effort I put into that ill-fated project was decent and not unlike the effort I’ve exerted on the peeps story. However, I never went back. I’ve never been one to take criticism lightly and I certainly have enough lessons learned to not do the same here, what worries me is the external forces winning-out.

Which leads me back to today. Still having to get up for work is not helping me either. While I do not have much of anything in terms of assignments, being in that environment alone in not conducive to figuring out what needs to be figured. What this all comes down to again, is time. Go back and read any of the previous entries and time, specifically, lack thereof, is a major contention for me. Now that I am staring at a near-term future unfettered with work time, I am pressing up against a monetary deadline I fear may force me into a position I do not want to be in again. I need this time.

Looking ahead at what my life holds I see a kid looming a few years down the road, probably by the time I turn 30. As exciting a new chapter that will be in what will become the rest of my life, I know I have a lot of steam I need to burn between now and then. The biggest of that steam being finding the career I want, writing. However, to get to the spot where the creative words can find their way to the page, I need to eliminate the corporate filth from my being. I need to not have to worry about being somewhere from nine-to-five everyday, to take the time to worry only about my writing, in short to have fun. For years now, I have been nothing but unhappy with my work situations and I cannot fall back into the corporate trap. This opportunity that presents itself before is one that I need to seize. I just need people to understand this, including myself.

Pearl Jam on Wednesday.