I've spoken in the past about having become the ultimate parody of myself, but it has always been in jest. I'm actually the most vanilla person alive. I ride more fences than a crack whore rides.... you get the point. Trying to toe the line just leads to confusion and lately, this is directly related to my struggle to find my voice. Am I funny or am I serious? Or am I sarcastically serious or sardonically laughable?

This ability to theoretically post my thoughts for the world to see is very empowering; almost to the point of giving false belief that I am doing something greater than I am. Its coming out at work and I can’t tell if I’m forging my own new path or typing up my pink sheet. I continue to care less and less of my job it seems. I’m just bored, and it what is my life’s biggest paradox, I get frustrated at myself for not getting enough accomplished at work.

I need that graphic Req to get posted soon because I need a change and the job market isn’t providing much. And neither it seems is my confidence in my writing of late. It seems no matter how much I do, its not enough or only satisfying for a very minimal amount of time. Maybe this is the hunger/desire successful people often reminisce about? Or maybe its just more smoke up my own ass. Either way it comes back to the time wasted at work. Unlike Hood, I never feel good about it.

I’ll slug/fake my way through it again tomorrow. I still haven’t figured out what my deal is for this weekend.

Monday's just get tougher. While it would be nice to envision my body's reaction to Monday's as that of a bell curve, the reality is each one just hurts a little bit more. I think four-day work weeks are really the way to go, lest we burn out as a society. Although I think I'd have to opt for a paycut to 32 hours than work four, 10-hour days; my days already hover around the 12-hour mark when you throw in commute time. Putting the angry corporate drone thing aside, my real problem is that I have no desire to do any work on Monday. But today, today, I barely have the desire to think. A problem I need to face because with Phish on the horizon for mid-week and potentially Friday, I need to figure out my plans. Of course, there are more daunting tasks than trying to figure out which days/hours I want to take off this week. Do I take a half-day Thursday or the entire day? Do I suck it up Thursday and bolt for New York on Friday? And what excuse do I give? Five years ago, I could probably disclose I need this time off for Phish...wait, that is the corporate side of me talking...and that goes firmly against a recent column of mine. This would be much easier if I just worked for myself. Ahh...Monday, I need coffee number two.

I’ve spent the last couple of hours losing and subsequently finding my old archived posts for this blog in addition to actually getting some writing done.

I’m trying to make a habit of dedicating some time to writing on Sunday. Yes, I realize I’ve been declaring writing dedications almost every time I post here, but if it doesn’t serve as a reminder what will?

The problem with trying to do this on Sunday is that you tend to lose your grip on the weekend much quicker than performing the normal Sunday ritual of just sitting around on your butt. After all, its already pushing four in the afternoon, I still haven’t showered and Monday is drawing very near.

It’s been a tough weekend in the news with this nightclub fire. I’ve had to force myself away from the television news coverage of it because it was just making me too sick. I began wondering just how much information is too much and I’ve got another piece I started on Friday just about that. None-the-less, getting the event out of my head hasn’t been easy. Aside from the fact that it is human nature to relate to human tragedies, this was in my home state. And I fear as the names continues to be released as bodies become identified, that I am going to no someone by some degree of separation. The weekend’s rain hasn’t helped the mood.

Things like this get you thinking just how safe we all are. The line between living your life and worrying about what is around the corner continues to get closer and a bit blurrier for me each day. But I’m a product of journalism schooling and try as I may the news fascinates me. It’s in my nature and I just can’t seem to turn away from it. I like information. I need information. To me, information is indeed knowledge. But I’m starting to wonder how much knowledge is too much? And how much of what we read and see can we truly believe?

A little to deep for a Sunday.

I was really hoping to sit down and get a little time in with the Playstation, but I resolved myself to not doing so until I hadn’t finished putting in some writing time. And I held to my self-imposed marching orders. I have to say I’m glad I’ve actually been showing some discipline when it comes to writing. Granted it ahs only been about three weeks, but I have made a concerted effort to take the time to write for at least 15 minutes each day.

The MB continues to be source of contention for me. For some reason I cannot sway myself my cynical self when posting there. Everything that I say seems to consistently have a negative connotation attached to it. I’m guessing most of this is rooted in the jealousy I have for all the folks in San Francisco. Maybe not jealousy in its true definition, but more that I just don’t feel part of their group. Man, that sounds extremely childish. Maybe part of me needs a break from it.

My idea of wanting to record the history of the MB has surfaced in my mind again. I spent a good deal of time thinking about it on the train ride home tonight. I’m still faced with the same questions I’ve had before: how long of a story do I want to write, want medium will it be and how much time will I dedicate to it? I suppose the first minor victory will be actually outlining something. At least I’ll be continuing on the vow to truly start turning ideas into tangible pieces of writing. I think a feature narrative maybe the way to go with an eye on potentially turning it into a larger project down the line.

Don’t think I’m getting to that Playstation.

I spent my day at an offsite for work today. You know, one of those all-day deals where goal setting is interwoven with hokey ice-breaking games. Actually, I’m being dramatic; it wasn’t too bad, although I did managed to nearly make a fool of myself.

We were sitting around my vice president’s $1.8M abode staring at a nine-foot long template for which we needed to brainstorm from a PR, IR and banding perspective, our tactics for the year. It honestly, didn’t make any sense to me and I spent the better part of an hour trying to decipher if I was indeed stupid or if the exercise was to blame. Well, with amount everyone was exerting in getting our tactics down on little post-its, I was sure it was the former. When we reconvened as a group I was asked to present our tactics. I responded with:

“No thanks, this is honestly nothing more than a bunch of colors on a board to me.”

I was passed by, but I realized I sounded like an insubordinate prick. A later redeemed myself at the day’s end by explaining that I was indeed confused by the exercise.

But it really drove home that my waning interest in my current position is more significant than I thought. Truth be told, I’ve already checked-out but I came dangerously close to revealing my true feelings and motivation today. I stopped playing the dreaded game but managed to pot that game-winning goal late. Overall, the day went as well as those things can.

The weirdness still prevails although I’m guessing it is due to many of the week’s events including my dog getting “fixed” and my computer crapping-out. This on top of my job situation…not to mention Bones leaving today, no wonder it's weird.

Bones leaving. That explains it. My rant on the board the other day where I called myself out for my negative energy probably isn’t helping either. Man, no wonder I feel so taxed. At least we are pushing a bit closer to the weekend.

I seem to hyphen happy tonight.

Things seem to be in their natural weird state. MY eyes burn from too much time in front of computers, but at least I am getting writing accomplished. My desire to keep thoughts flowing here in addition to setting up a separate blog for my columns at least has one foot off the ground. It’s just a matter of transferring the hand-written words to here.

Work continues to be what it is but the job Req was submitted today for the graphics position I am interested in. It is going to be a sell, but I have the qualification and if my company is truly of their word and does indeed pride themselves on offering people the opportunity to expand into areas of interest, I should at least get a good look. Anything to get me anyway from the PR and the lying it involves.

Part of me wonders if I am being too dramatic in these views. Sure, we do lie, but it’s all part of the game. I just wonder if my cynicism has reached toxic levels in my day job world. It is what it is I suppose, a paycheck and not permanent. Writing and opportunity is making it just that.

It’s Bones last weekend night in town is this Friday and I’m not sure I’ve let the reality of it sink in too much. I’m not sure I’ll be able to until after he’s gone. Steal your face right off your head..