I’m not quite sure where to begin so I think I’ll just start writing. I’m in a funk with my career…again. It’s the same type of doubt I’ve had with all my jobs in my career and I’m starting to wonder if it’s me or the career I’ve chosen. I don’t know what to say. Tracy seems to think it all relates to my thinking too much about situations. She is right; I tend to overanalyze every nuance. But, I can’t help it, it is just what I do. I just know I’m not happy and I really need to get my priorities straight.

What I should realize is that soon this isn’t going to be about me. I’ve got a kid on the way. I don’t think I’ve truly gotten my mind around the reality of that. We were talking about moving to a place where our mortgage won’t be so much, to a plaace we the need to be in the rat race won’t be so important. It’s been running thro0ugh my mind since yesterday. But I love this house. I really love this house and can’t see myself moving from it. I think to an extent, she can’t either. But what do we do?

It would be nice if she could be a stay-at-home mom, but where is that going to happen. And will we find a place we love as much as this one? Will I ever really be happy? Perhaps more appropriately, will I ever develop the discipline I need to accomplish what I want out of life?

This Phish calling it quits created a vortex in my life for the last few weeks. I’ve been running all over the country to see them and feel I am be discounting the affect it has had on me. I can only hope getting through tomorrow and into the serenity of the beach house and the fourth of July weekend will begin to right the ship. I’m running out of time on pursuing the columns I wanted to write about becoming a dad. I’m also a risk of missing the chance to pursue courses at Northeastern. Think my lazy ass can finally get moving on that tomorrow first thing in the morning? Or will I once again waste away the most of the day before being productive? I’ve got issues. Maybe I really am lazy at heart. But I tend to think I really need to have inspiration to work. And that is something I not only don’t find too easily, but often let slip away when I do. Too easily distracted for my own good. Always have been. Can people really change? I’ve been writing about the same problem for over a decade now, something needs to shake it up, something big.

Darwin preached natural selection and I'm living natural progression. At least that's what I'm chalking domestication up to anyway. Thing is, I like it. I like having a house and a yard to work in. I love cultivating nature. I love having dog to play to with. I love being able to share it with my wife. And now a version of the both of us on the way. I love the unknown that lies ahead. Five years ago, I never thought I'd be here. Shadow of man...only if you can't look to the future.

I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety of late, justifiably so considering the things I have going on in my life. But, it has lead to several sleepless and has gotten to the point that I have become afraid to go to bed for fear I will spend the night tossing and turning. It seem like I can't settle my mind down enough to let my body sleep. I can't turn thoughts off. Even my normal tried and true method of following a single thought off to slumber doesn't work because thoughts are always intruding on each other. The baby aside, most of my worries seem to stem from work. I feel guilty at times for feeling as if I'm not putting in the best effort that I can. A weird thought considering the work I've done in the seven month's I've been at this job has been pretty decent. It's a focus thing mainly, as in not having enough. There is too much for me to focus on. With so many potential projects happening at the same time, its tough to focus and feel like I am giving my best effort to everything. Take the biotech initiative for instance. Arguably promoting that could be a full-time job in and of itself, but I have other schools and research to focus on at the same. I realize it is me putting too much pressure on myself resulting in my spinning my wheels. Compounded on top of this is my desire to utilize this impending fatherhood as a muse for a column that I would like to pitch to a paper. Problem is, we're just over six month's from the baby's due date and I have but one and half columns written. I suppose I should take solace in the fact that I managed to write one today. But that would be too unlike me to be content. I've got to stop, because I'm starting to drive myself into a frenzy and I have to go to bed.

Heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time today; an amazing and humbling experience. Of course, I can talk about it here now that we have made it public knowledge. It felt great telling everyone as it has made it that much more of a reality for me. Although, I don't think it will completely settle in until I see the ultrasound in a month. I'm pretty excited to be a dad.

In other news, Phish has decided to call it quits for good. Had this happened a few years ago I may have been beside myself. Now, I have a better perspective. Funny thing is, for all they gave me as I grew-up, they seem to helping me put my life in perspective with the break-up. Page mentioned in a letter to the fans that he had finally reached an age where he felt he no longer had to balance his past with his future...it's something I have been struggling with for a couple of years now. Those simple words has suddenly helped me get closer to realizing that statement. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there. And fatherhood probably has a lot to do with it.