The relaxation affect from vacation wore off much quicker than I anticipated and I am back trying to develop the ability to let things roll off my back at work. And I’m failing miserably. The major bone of contention is the same that it has always been; I need/want more control over our spokespeople. I realize its not going to change overnight but at least the prospect of change is on the horizon.

With a new VP and PR director onboard, I’m hoping they will be open to my suggestion that we can operate in a much more efficient manner than simply one-offing everything, I realize I come from a strict background where I had control over our spokespeople and the ability to tell what to say, when to say and who to say it to. Here, I don’t have the respect or trust.

I think one of my larger problems comes from my place on the food chain. I’ve found if you’re not a director, then people to not listen to you. It’s frustrating because it hinders my job but also places me in unfavorable positions with reporters.

Today’s instance stems from a request about some of our housing issues. I need this official to serve as a spokesperson but he doesn’t want to it, choosing instead to bump it up to his boss, a boss whom I am not confident and deliver our message succinctly. Of course is a product of their own political problems, but we are both trying to do a job here and with the best interest of the university. He wasn’t seeing it my way and left our conversation with the understanding that he would go speak with his boss and get back to me.

He didn’t get back to me. And, that is another major issue I face. I want the structure in place that everything will run through our office as it relates to outside communication. People aren’t used to that type of dynamic and it drives me crazy.

Not only does it drive me crazy, but it prevents me from doing my job is an effective manner. Of course, now I also have to be cognizant of my approach to the two new bosses with out coming off like some whining guy with a bushel of sour grapes.

So, I have to not only deal with the office communication issues, but I also have to deal with my own plan and communication tactics. Of course, if I could check this stuff at the door on my way out night, I’d be fine. But until then, this is the stuff that keeps me up at night.

This is another oneof those times where I can't decide whether writing about a current feeling is worth it. But, here I am. Good feelings tonight, simple enough in that it revolved around doing some yardwork, grilling some food and just hanging out with Trace. The end of Phish and the summer is starting to sink in and I'm left feeling pretty blessed about not only what I've experience this summer, but also with what lies on the horizon. Exciting stuff. The stresses have been better of late and I'm really hoping I can get inot the same productive writing period that this time of the year provided for me last year. Changes at work seems to initially be exactly what I've been looking for. Hell, even the Red Sox are playing well. Sometimes I wonder if I do underestimate the emotional investment I have in that team. Back to the five-day work week this week. Labor Day is on the horizon. I continue to be amazed at how time as a way of getting behind me. It was a good run.

I have never been bereft of emotion when it comes to Phish. The time before tour and shows has always been filled with excitement and anticipation for the unknown. Will the band take me to that place few things in life have ever brought me to? Will I forge new friendships through the experience or further solidify existing ones? What one moment will I witness or share that will glimmer in an instant and making itself unique to only me?

There have been so many moments and memories etched into the fabric of my soul in the decade that this band has been so much a part of my life. And as I sit starring down the barrel of what may be the final two shows I’ll ever see, I’m confronted with feelings I’ve ever experienced before that is, a lack of feeling. I’m completely numb.

This anesthetized state relates back to the peace I made with the band at Shoreline in October 2000. I made the choice to view the hiatus as a break-up of sorts, a chance for me to focus on other things in my life without Phish influencing any of them. So, I got married, bought a house, started concentrating on my career and started to build my own little family. With a wife, dog and first child on the way, I’m well grounded on the path I set out to travel.

Phish coming back was merely icing on the cake for me. Those shows back became more about catching-up with old friends than getting my mind melted by the music the four guys from Vermont were raining down upon us. Which turned out to be a blessing, because, as we all know, that post-hiatus stuff was more bad than good.

But, because my band wasn’t bringing the life onstage that helped define part of me, I started to doubt the credibility of what I took from the music pre-hiatus. Was it really the party that created these moments for me? Ironically, it was in the party capital of world that I finally found my peace with modern-day Phish. Which was also the same run that was probably the catalyst for Phish pulling the plug on themselves.

When the confirmation came, like so many of us, I began scrambling to figure out which shows I could attend. The reality of it all ending proved to be the catalyst that sent me out to Wisconsin at the end of June. But in scrambling, I also realized the current older version of me decided to stay away from Coventry, choosing instead let my run end where it pretty much began, Great Woods.

When we bought our house, which rests a mere 15 minutes from Great Woods, almost three years ago, I couldn’t wait for Phish to return to the venue where it all took off, for them and me. I had visions of hosting all the friends I’ve accumulated through the band over the years in my yard for a big party. I had no idea it would turn out to be a send-off party.

Normally, I’d be in full-on planning mode right now to get ready for hosting people. But, I’m not. Sure, I’ve got some things ready for the makings of a great gathering, but I’m numb to the centerpiece of it all, the two shows.

If forced to name a specific emotion than I would have to say nervousness is the closest; nervous excitement I suppose. This is going to be the last time I get to hang with friends and the band and that has me worried. But as I started to worry about what the shows will be like for me and if I’ll provide my friends a good time, I started to realize I might drive myself crazy.

I’ve come close to mania on several occasions since Trey’s announcement, compounded by my impeding fatherhood and issues at work. Sitting at the beach the other day, on an usually cold August afternoon, I was humbled by the experience of nature and realized just what a small cog I am in the entire plan.

So, I’ve decided to try and let all anticipation float away, to not place any expectation on that 48-hour period. I’m just going to let it happen figuring they’ll be plenty of time to digest after the last note is played. I’ll be striving for those moments you capture by simply taking the time to press pause. They have always been the most meaningful to me because they are captured without preconceived thought. Those moments never end.