I'm beginning to wonder if I need to start planning out "leisure" time much like I would at work. I enclosed leisure with quotes because a lot of my time away from work is spent working on things for myself. The only problem is, I spred myself to thin and my television watching cuts significantly into that which also happens to be when I spend some quality time with the wife on weekdays. Getting things done on weekends is always a possibly, if not actuality of late, but with the warmer weather comes the need to do yard work. I'm still searching for that balance.

Let's look at my time since Sunday. I've made a concerned effort to accomplish work at a more rapid pace in my real job, placed 2500 words down on the mb story I've had spinning in my mind for a few years now, managed to pluck a few scales on the bass. Yet, I haven’t followed though on those letters I promised to write for my job search nor have I written anything for my ablesonrants blog in a month and half despite having a few ideas for new columns, specifically, one on time and its tendency to pull a Steve Miller on you. This obviously has to do with focus.

And focus has been a new deal of mine at work as in actually maintaining some and seeing things through. This new mission stems from my written performance review that declared I wasn’t perfect. In actuality, it was very positive but highlighted leadership areas I needed to work on. Of course, I took immediately to the defensive upon reading it, but after taking the weekend to think about it (and Tracy talking some sense into me) I realized I did need to make more of an effort there, despite the fact that I’ve checked-out because I wanted out. Well, I’ve checked back fin or the purposes of trying to make things as pleasant as possible while still there.

I also realized I need to be able to take criticism constructively versus personally. I’m re-reading Orbiting the Giant Hairball in an effort tap into my creativity with the hopes of creating a solution to at least one of the many things I have wrong with my workplace. Better than blaming the system. But back to that time thing, as in, my lack of it, because bed is calling. However, that list: Continue to work on the mb story; write those letters to the sport info directors; write a column for ablesonrants; and continue to check in here. It actually seems pretty targeted when physically listed-out. Now to figure out how to slow time.

Pushing 11 and once again, I find myself out of time to pursue the writing I planned on. Once again, it was going to involve writing the MB history/story/epic/drivel/theory/will anything ever actually make it down on paper piece I've had floating in my mind seemingly forever now. I'm working a different idea now, one that will involve a collection of essay around my own. However, I now getting anyone to commit anything to paper will be nearly impossible. So, perhaps I revisited the survey's I did receive from last fall and think about ghost-writing those essays. Of course, I need to actually get something down this time. And of course, that was the plan for tonight and obviously it didn't happen.

Taking the dog out several times a night for the past three months has allowed me to really witness the changing season up close. For when you stand in the same spot several times a day, every day of the week, you tend to notice every subtly around you. And I’ve been watching my yard to start to morph to life. Raking the winter away from my flower beds this weekend, I uncovered little bits of green just starting to sprout up. To be able to strip away the cold death of winter and seeing life just starting underneath is something I haven’t really ever seen. Living in the city never provided such depth anyway.

But with it, I am excited for the coming summer and it is probably this excitement that led to my not going to that job interview with the Mass Psych Society. While part of my canceling revolved around my not wanting to pull together the presentation yesterday, the other half was deeply rooted in knowing that to take this job weld just be moving into the everything has changed absolutely nothing has changed realm. So, I politely let it go by and I know there are other things out there for me.

However, I realize to chase down those dream jobs I need to do some leg work. Which means, I need to finally write those letter to the sports information directors and PR guys at the local pro teams and colleges. I need to really start gathering more info and getting my foot in the door to find out what I need to do to get these jobs I believe I desire so much. I need to fire off at least two letters by the end of the week.

And, I need to write a column for Ableson Rants this week. I also need to do something to earn my keep at work. While I am doing stuff, I do enough to get by, which satiates and straps me with guilt all in the same breath.

There is much to say but none of it seems to want to filter through properly to this spot. About an hour past Easter Sunday and I’m sitting at what feels like the epicenter of something. I’m relaxing but sitting here with loads on my mind for tomorrow, namely the presentation I need to write for a job I’m not even sure would be the right move for me. The presentation is only a ten-minute gig with another 20 minutes of Q&A with the panel afterwards. But, it’s the effort to do it that is going to smart because for at least the Q&A, I’ll need to be knowledge, the presentation I’m hoping to slice through a good three minutes up front with an anecdote and then slide through the backend of it with some MPS basics (did I mention the job is a PR gig with the Massachusetts Psychiatry Society). None-the-less, there will be a good day of research involved, plus I have PR plan to write for my real job tomorrow. Oh yeah, and tomorrow’s Marathon Monday, not that I’ve done much in the last few years to honor the Bostonian tradition of if you’re not running or working, you best be drinking. At least I took care of some guilt by putting-in three hours in the yard tonight. First step in many out there, I’m excited to work on it this summer as I’m curious as to how we with outside décor, if we’re as good as the inside, the yard should be looking great by summer’s end. Which reminds me, we need to sit-down and figure out where our summer plans are going to take us. The IT is a go in my mind, now I just need to work out the logistics. San Fran would only be a bonus.

Meet the new day, same as the old day. More hours spent staring into my computer screen alternately thinking about doing work, lamenting about having to do work, feeling guilty about not doing any work and trying to figure out what I want to do for work. Surely there are hordes of schizos out just like me but I wonder where the line is crossed.

Here’s the situation. I don’t like my job and have not liked this job for nearly as long as I’ve been in it. I’ve probably applied for some 40 jobs in the last year and have landed approximately one and a half interviews. I say, half, because I was asked to interview for a job, but the timing did not work out. There was also that lower level position at Northeastern that simply paid too little. Forty in a year certainly doesn’t look like a lot, but the economy in that same time has not exactly been friendly to PR jobs. What’s more is I’ve been a bit selective about what I am looking to move to next.

Timing is everything. I realize this more and more everyday. In being selective about my next job, I’m taking stock of my career path to date realizing that I need to make a move to something different now or the risk of being pigeonholed into the healthcare field become further cemented with each ticking second. It makes things incredibly slow going, especially when you throw in the sheer number of unemployed PR folks vying for the same jobs.

The bottom-line remains I shouldn’t have taken this job when I did. I took this right at time when I was really starting to get some bites from the bright land of employers. But, we all know what good hindsight will do, so no use reflecting now. So I won’t comment about the three occasions I was contacted by BU for open positions in the month after starting this job. Those never materialized, but that doesn’t mean they won’t again.

But coming into your own personal hell is not fun every day and as I mentioned above, I truly wonder whether or not I am developing some psychosis because I alter between paranoia, rage, distain with a little bit of hope and just enough glee to keep me plugging through for the most part (this run-on sentence not helping my case). I realize sooner or later something will change for me, but I’ve got to work to make that happen and unlike my last job search, there isn’t a lot out there. But it’s not only finding the opportunities, it’s also seeking out information on where I would like to be. Five plus years in an office setting has done nothing more than reinforce that I do not belong in an office/corporate setting.

My drive is of course gone here. I no longer choose to expend initiative nor seek out work until it is brought to me. This shouldn’t be much of a shock to people considering I expressed interest in switching roles in the department and applying for the open position in the graphics department. Of course, the requisition for that position remains unapproved and in limbo; sort of like me. So I lumber on. Some days I actually am a productive contributor to the machine here, other days, well, other days are like today, where nothing has been accomplished aside from this rant. And as my boss, I commend me.

Hold me and make it the truth.
That when all is lost there will be you.
Cause to the universe I don't mean a thing.
And there's just one word I still believe.
And it's love.

A brief exert from Mr. Edward Vedder from the song Love Boat Captain and while I'm not doing the song complete justice in only posting the above, its good introspection to hang your life on. I remain in a weird place in my life, having what is argueably the most desired of desires, which while providing me with a stable place to always rest my head upon, also treds an oft-crossed etheral line into focusing too much on what I want out of life. And with that, I often wonder if I am in fact being too greedy in my needs and desires. However, we all have these and in my case they are trying to define what my goals are.

Time remains an eternal mystery and fascination to me and I cling to the now faint hope that I need to leave my mark here in this world. And that is what fuels my desire to find work as writer. However, unlike past dreams, I am more content with simply finding places to get my work published versus physically being able to make a living at it. That is not to say I am not looking at a ways to make that my means, just more realistic that it will involve writing more for corporations than publishing columns. But my writing ideas still very much remain just that. I made a dedicated push in the first few months of this year, but work has taken that back a bit. Its timing again, everything is timing, or more specifically, simply not having enough of it at times. I think we all feel that way.

The societal way of life seems to constantly have us running from one place to the other. Again, maybe this is just me having a rough go at the growing-up aspect of life, but I still maintain we move too fast as a society. We really need to slow down and get to the point where the “work-life” balance just isn’t a fancy HR buzzword. But how and why do I care so much? Where is this deep-rooted desire to make a difference and put a stamp on things coming from? And why to I choose to daydream and romanticize about the past?

These things worry me and I don’t feel right. My body maybe cemented in this cubicle, but my mind is constantly floating around. And has been for some time. I think of the past and remember the storied moments with an eye toward the future and fear that my best years are behind me. Well, perhaps not best behind, but things will be different and I guess in many ways I am still afraid of change.

I’m trying to debate whether or not there is any merit to typing in my entry I wrote on the train home last night. I would imagine the fact I arrived home from work at 11:30 last night may be clouding my decision skills.

Work is busy and it’s busy with what has often been nothing more than busy work. So obviously, it continues to be a major thorn in my pride. What was worse about yesterday was that I was called for an interview with an organization to which I had applied. However, they were looking for me to come in today at 1:30, which for obvious busy work reasons is not going to happen.

I’m still stuck on my panic button realization from last night which, to recap, stemmed from a fear over a photo shoot which involved two executives here and a couple of pool cues (sounds pretty risqué when I write it like that). In short, there was a fear that the image was not one that we wanted to show. I strongly disagree, but what made the issue worse was that the panic button was pushed by several others and the “problem” perpetuated when they simply could have come to me and I could have explained what happened, that I was working within the limits I had and that there were in fact also shots taken without the execs and the pool table. The whole thing was just rubbish. This place is just too full of itself sometimes; most of the time.

My other take-away was that I need to perpetuate an air of calmness to be able to expect the same from my colleagues. I’m working on it. What I do know is that I will no loner remain silent or as silent. I realize you have to play the corporate game, but at the same time, I refuse to do it when it’s often played with a lack of human emotion and compassion. I’ve never bought into the “it’s not personal, its business” credo. I’m not about to start.

Been down with disease and out of touch for almost a week and I have to say it was great time. That is, if you can look past the constant trips to the toilet and jolting cramping that so defined my week off. Needless to say, work was a bit of task today, especially since I was still weak from the virus that laid me up from Sat-Wed. I don't think I've ever been that sick, which is to say, it was slightly better than my worst day at work, or the last couple of weeks. You get the picture. I could see the resentment from the likes of one particular individual and her protégé, it was as if they were angry at me, as if I was out by choice. These are two ladies who feel their lives are justified by what they accomplish at work. Good for them, just not my way of living.

And speaking of my way of living, I'll try and refrain from the normal self-affirmative rah-rah speech here, just acknowledge I have some catching-up to do in that department. The MB continues to weigh on my mind and I began dialogue with Cassidy and Norton just before falling ill last week where we were discussing the growth and subsequent growing-up factors. I'm always figuring how they play into myself and where I am headed and the decisions and choices I've made and need to make. My latest idea is to write off the "character" piece I started for the writing class nearly two years ago. It may be a way of creating a character loosely based on choices I didn't make. I've got lots weighing on my mind, including choices to be made about Phish this summer. There are no local shows and it is looking like I might not be seeing them, unless something out west looks out. Yup, lots on the mind, at least tomorrow is Friday.