I’ve not only made the conscious decision that something needs to be done about my work situation, but I am actually being proactive about it.

There are two options…stay in a different capacity or go. There is an open position in the graphics department that I am actively seeking out. In fat, I have gone so far as to inform my boss that I am strongly considering going for it. And I am, I have to. Not only would it get me away from the PR that I no longer have a passion for, but it would allow me to utilize my creative nature.

The other option is to find another job. But with the economy in the shitter, PR jobs and the like just aren’t out there for the picking like they were doing my last job hunt at the tail end of the Internet boom. PR jobs were plentiful then, now, it seems only one or two new jobs appear each day, and with the increased number of unemployed, it puts me in extremely tough competition. That’s why I really have to work this graphics gig.

I’ve also had the idea of trying to write more columns and publish them online, perhaps here, perhaps on my own site, I really haven’t thought too much about the logistics of that yet. I have one I recently wrote and ideas for others, however, I need to be disciplined, something that needs to start with removing myself from the television. But, I’ll have to put it off for tonight, my eyes are fading fast.

For the first weekend since early fall, I’ve got a free weekend. That’s right, the last time I had a weekend lacking any errands, obligations or celebrations, I was still single. IT feels weird.

I’ve just spent the last half hour or so sitting in my chair trying to let the reality of this all sink in. It’s a truly perfect set-up as well. Chill tonight, Bruins game tomorrow night and then friends over for the Super Bowl on Sunday. Perfect timing too, because the one thing I need is this house full of friends.

We’ve been lacking that a lot. Feels like we’ve just had smatterings of people here and there since before the wedding, which still remains a blur of a weekend for me. I am so glad the entire evening is caught on tape. In fact, we have. One of my biggest excitements around getting this house was to be able to fill it with it with friends and while it is something that happened a bit early on and through the summer, it hasn't happened much at all lately. But it does on Sunday…and that’s great.

We’ve yet to have a party here although it hasn’t been without trying. I think I’d like to have a big Memorial Day blowout…that needs to be my thing. I tried last year and while we had a nice smattering of people over, I want to have a bunch of people this year.

And Shuman, Shuman is on the East side now. ..I need to email that kid, now.

A sanctuary from what, my life? Hardly, I’m a lucky man compared to many out there, in love, life, friendship and health. But my cynical nature leads me to focus on the negative. So I dwell on work, corporate life and the raw deal it cuts me. It’s all down below and in many pieces that lurk on every hard drive I have ever touched.

I had one of the most cherished things with my wife tonight…an amazing simple conversation. Just about life and my penchant to want to change the world. She grounds me, but I still believe I can make a difference, it is just a matter of determining my proper path. Professor. Intellectual. They are what I strive to be, but she’s right, I can’t seek them out so boorishly that I lose site of things that are important to me and myself in general. I’ve said it many times, my life is incredible besides the job. The job, the thing I dread more than anything else. Corporate life…you know how I feel about it. I want to change it. I’ve always wanted to buck the system but is it for a greater good or my own self-satisfaction? The ever present why that reverberates through my every thought. Will I ever control it and take charge or just grow to accept it?

I don’t want to accept it. And maybe it’s still a young naiveté but I think I can. Small steps. Its what I took away from the conversation tonight. I need to find a way away from my need to change everything instantly. It’s why I spin my wheels so much.

Goals...I have an assignment to deliver on one for Monday; to find a class and a means to utilize my company’s tuition reimbursement to make it happen. It’s a start and unlike my self-imposed, never-realized goals of the past, I have to answer to someone. My wife, she’s my rock.

What do you do when you’re checked-out but still there physically. My is mind far past the not-so-pleasant sense of the present tense, but the tired vessel for my disparate soul remains corralled behind a three and a half-walled enclosure.

I hit a feeling today at the most unexpected of times…in a meeting. I was sitting there in a true “brainstorming” session, listening to people stroke themselves all while trying to keep my cynical mind at bay simultaneously contemplating my future…and I felt at peace. The notion that I wasn’t, in fact, trapped there forever finally sunk in. It was quite euphoric and it foreshadowed a confirmation.

I rode to South Station this evening with a co-worker. A gentleman superior in corporate meddle but one who has always treated me on the level, a nature obviously dictating he was from a department other than mine. We were discussing work of course, how the company has grown and changed when the conversation wound around to what my role was. My description of my jack-of-all trades, owner of none status spurned a response that nailed my last year and half with one statement.

“That sounds like it must be very frustrating.”

Insanely frustrating it has been. I covered it with immediate PR-ease, stating it kept things interesting. But in those few seconds, he confirmed everything for me, I felt instantly vindicated.

Funny feeling, this validation, why do we need it so much? The ever-present question that has haunted mankind since the Industrial Revolution, but for once, my satisfaction lies in the question itself. So, at least I’ve got that going for me.

My major onus is my job; a notion that is not new, and certainly no different from a few other million people in this world. What is new, is the increasing nature with which this displeasure is building. As to what the root cause could be is a question that could be speculated upon for days. What I know is its summer and for the better part of the last two weeks, I have done no more than field the occasional phone call and reply to an email a couple of times a day. And I wonder if its enough to get by and whether or not I even care.

I don't enjoy this place nor a majority of the people with whom I work. Sure, I've enjoyed the occasional moment of glory complete with the certain "floaty" feeling the often accompanies the satisfaction of nice accomplishment. But, these moments are fleeting and I suppose it is the worker who constantly brainstorms new ideas and pushes forward with new projects, that maintains the lead in the rat race. And I chose not to run, not forward, not swift nor steady, just not moving at all. Sure, I've sprinted before...I did it at the beginning here as I've done when I've started races elsewhere in the past. But I get tired. I get bored and I sit around and wonder just how greener the grass is over there. And its always greener, even when you first cross over, but inevitably, it burns. And I'm left to wonder if this is simply the way it is?

I wonder how much truth there was to the Gen X hype from years back; whether or not we truly are a lazy sort. Or maybe its me. Probably is, after all, I'm one sitting here with work piling up, refusing to do any of it. Sometimes I think it’s the challenge I desire. None of this pile is extremely challenging, but the larger I let it build, the more of a time challenge it will present. At least that’s something.

People voices get to me. I've heard them too much now, everyday for over a year and half. They annoy me now, sometimes hurt, a pain of nails on a chalkboard, or needles under the nails. Distractions are many, two numerous to count, and I grab them with ease. This is evidence alone. But, yet I give in and continue to spiral further away from any career growth which ironically, bothers me.

And I get angry with myself, angry for not doing the work the needs to be done. Angrier still for not doing much about it and letting myself slip to this point of frustration. And angrier even still for whining about it. I wish life didn't have me by the balls, because it would like much easier and less painful to throw my keyboard through my monitor and walk away from here forever.

I know what you're thinking. You're all sitting there dying to ask the proverbial question right now..."What do you want to do with your life?" Its easy...I'd like to find a way to make a living writing. But that is a far cry. The publishing world is brutal and if you're lucky, you can freelance on the side for a living. Working for a newspaper would be ideal and certainly a viable job with an awesome potential upside. I could leave this seat today and end up at paper tomorrow...and I'd do it in a second, if the pay weren't equal to a notch above minimum wage.

And that's the real point isn't it, money? That is what the told you growing up. "Do good is school so you can get into a good college and get yourself a good paying job." Power, prestige, greed...its been making the world go 'round since history began. And when did History begin? Why, when man learned to write of course. If I am recalling my history lesson, the earliest of recorded history was somewhere around 50,000 years ago. The earth has been around for a few million, so there is clearly a lot of shit that has gone down that will never be known. I’m not sure I have a point here other than justifying that I took away something more from college than the ability to begin story with, “Dude, this one time I was so wasted that…”

I’m clearly losing my mind, however, this did feel a little bit better. It’s my own brand of self-therapy; getting this out in writing. I’m probably a self help author’s dream, but if you ever find me repeating affirmations in a mirror, commit me please. Now, where’s that resume?